I can't believe what just happened. I lost my temper at my aerial class tonight and I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm a total bitch. One of my co-aerialists gave me attitude and, because I was already pretty frustrated with her for an entirely different reason, the claws came out and I snapped back. Twice.
And you know when that happens how something changes in the atmosphere? Everyone heard us because nothing else was going on. The music was off, Koala and I were setting up to run our routine, and everyone else was hanging out on the mats chilling, waiting for class to be over. Then this explosion happened and everything went silent and people had these looks on their faces all of a sudden like...I don't even know how to describe it. It was horrible. And the look on Darty's face...I could have died.
I try really hard not to be angry around my aerial friends and my aerial teacher. I want people to like me, as we all wish people would, and I don't want to come off as a raging bitch or as someone who always carries a chip on her shoulder or anything like that. So even when I am upset about something for real, I stuff it down because I would hate for these people to see me truly angry. That kind of anger is the biggest sign of weakness there is, and it usually comes with a loss of control. Sure, my aerial friends and I have all seen each other pouty, fired up, content, and frustrated from time to time, but they never saw true, white-hot anger from me until tonight when it took over.
It's like when a kid throws up in class. It doesn't matter what that kid does for a long time after that, he's just going to be known as the kid who threw up in class. So now I'm afraid I'm just going to be known as the bitch who snapped at another student in class. I apologized to the person I snapped at and we're okay. I don't think she ever really liked me in the first place, so it's not like I had a lot of ground to make up there. But even J-dog wouldn't speak to me on the way home (Koala drove both of us home), and she NEVER doesn't speak.
What if that's who I am? A bitch? That's even worse than the other things I think I might be: a drag to be around, a neurotic mess, a stresscase, the poutiest pouter in all of the land...why can't I just act like the person I want to be? I really do like people. I really am interested in them and in what they do and what they have to say. I really do like doing things that make other people feel special. I don't like being angry or resentful or regretful of my actions. I don't like being sad or snappy or bitchy. But I am, occasionally, all of these things, and I don't want to be them, I want to be Alyssa.
It's devastating to realize the following things:
1) That I may be a horrible person.
2) That everyone knew that before I did.
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2 comments:
Guess what?
1. I like YOU
2. You are human and entitled to feel rage and lots of conflicting emotions. Just don't start kicking people in the throat.
3. Did I mention that you are awesome and interesting and fun to be with?
Yeah, you are easily one of my favorite people in the world! Don't get don't on yourself, you just had a weak moment. Not to mention, I bet you hadn't gotten much sleep prior to that day, because I snap at people like mad when I get sleep deprived, and we are pretty alike in that sense.
Chill, you are amazing, and I bet by next week, most of those people will have put that whole thing behind them. The challenge will be letting yourself let go! =)
I WISH WISH WISH I could come to your recital! I am going to be so sad that night! Good luck and blow them away! =)
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