Good Enough

Last weekend was a busy weekend for me, circus-wise. First of all, I had my first bar gig! WHAT? Yes, it's true. It was a benefit and there were four of us who performed some ambient aerialism and it was fun and I can't wait to do it again.

Highlights (get it? HIGH-lights? Because we were up HIGH?):
1) I got to do single and double trapeze.
2) We did a rope "round robin" of sorts at one point where each of us got up and did one or two fast tricks and then got down and then the next person would go, and the next, etc. It was the most fun we had all night. And the whole night was pretty fun.
3) My teacher, Darty, came to hang out with us and she said really nice things about everyone.
4) Darty's boyfriend complimented the fact that, when I was up on the trapeze, I obviously really listened to the music and it made what I was doing look good. AND he said I should have been wearing a sexier outfit "because I deserve it."
5) I flirted with a boy. Which was fun/funny, but not in an "I'm gonna' rejoin that team," kind of way because...eew. I mean, doing a trick for a guy is WAY different than actually having to have SEX with him! Gross me out!

Anyway, the gig was fun.

Also last weekend, Elsie Smith (of Nimble Arts, Gemini Trapeze, and formerly of Cirque du Soleil, among other things) was here in Seattle to teach some workshops and lessons (I had a private lesson with her, and Koala and I did the doubles trapeze workshop).

Highlights (Bwahahaha!):
1) I got to base Elsie at one point during the doubles workshop.
2) She called me "strong" and "really strong" several times.
3) She had Koala and me demonstrate a lot during the second day of the workshop.
4) We got to chat about camp and the San Francisco school and we bonded because we know a lot of the same people.
5) She liked my solo trapeze routine, for the most part.

So about #5...Elsie and I got to work extensively on my solo during the private lesson I had with her last Saturday. She loved some of the tricks, thought I did all of the tricks well, and she liked my song (Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek"). She did, however, think I needed to slow everything down and make it more fluid, as if I was doing the movements underwater rather than in the air. Cool idea? Yes. Would it change a lot about my routine? Yes, because she encouraged me to let go of the cues I was using in the music so that I could hold everything longer. Which made my song, this song, "Hide and Seek", the song I specifically choreographed THIS routine for, with these particular cues and buttons and dynamics and whatever, it made THIS song unfamiliar to me. Which is rather unsettling, but I take direction really well, so my first instinct was, "What Elsie says goes," and I set about trying to revise my routine in light of her comments.

My second instinct was to change my song. I'm not going to get into what brought me to that conclusion. It just made sense. So 24 hours after my lesson with Elsie, I was all excited to change my song for this routine I've been working on since November (all the while using "Hide and Seek") and which I will be performing in less than a month if not sooner. I couldn't wait until my private lesson to show Darty my new song and to see if she thought it would work.

Okay, so my lesson just happened. I mean, I just got home from my lesson. Today. Just now. Aaaaaaaand...I'm not changing my song after all. Without making me feel stupid, Darty pointed out all of the reasons this was a bad idea, including but not limited to those I have hinted at above (this routine and this song were born and grew up together, the show is in a month, if I want to do something a little different--more flowy/dancy--that's fine, but first finish this routine the way it was originally conceived, etc.). We even decided to pretty much let me keep doing the routine the way I was doing it before Elsie saw it, using a lot of her suggestions, but not the one about messing with where things happen in the music. And it's weird because I'm okay with this. I mean, it's kind of comforting to have someone reach through my heady excitement over the possibility of using this other song that I LOVE (more about that in a second) and say things that I had misgivings about too, but that I couldn't see through the haze.

The song (the new one that I'm now not using) is called "Good Enough" and it's from the latest Evanescence cd, The Open Door. Say whatever you want about Evanescence, but this song is fucking gorgeous. I love it, and I thought it would go with my routine because the story that Elsie seemed to think I was telling with the other song ("Hide and Seek") is actually better served by this one. I explained all of this to Darty today before I got up and ran through it once with "Good Enough", and when I got down she said, "Okay, but what is this story you're trying to tell?" And I suddenly couldn't find the words to explain it well, although I tried to. Then I sort of got teary, then I did the routine to "Hide and Seek" and it felt like home, then Darty kicked my ass with conditioning until my arms felt like they would fall off, and THEN while I was walking home I found the words for the story I was trying to tell.

Basically, it's this: Once upon a time there was a girl who was completely consumed by something to the point where nothing else mattered. In my version of the story, the "something" is circus, but it can be translated to other people and other things too (being consumed by a new relationship, for example). Anyway, the girl is so consumed that everything else just falls away for a while and she doesn't care because all that matters is that she can be here, now, with the trapeze (or her new boyfriend/girlfriend/job/whatever). Gradually, though, she comes to realize that life hasn't stopped around her and that people don't necessarily think she's serious...like, they don't really respect her choice of all-consuming passions for whatever reason. So she tries desperately hard to prove that she's good enough at what she's doing, good enough that it makes sense for her to spend so much time and energy doing it, so people will understand and accept/appreciate/respect her for it rather than humoring her and rolling their eyes. She wants to be good enough that people can see she's not playing around, that this is for real.

So throughout the song the question is asked, "Am I good enough?" and I think that's what I'm asking too.

BUT I don't have to have a song say that while I'm doing a routine for it to be true. And it is, admittedly, a little bit pathetic and desperate to be all, "Please accept me? Please?!"

Anyway, long story shorter: I had a busy weekend last weekend, I had an enlightening and emotional lesson today, and I'm sticking with "Hide and Seek".

My heart is tired.