Good Enough

Last weekend was a busy weekend for me, circus-wise. First of all, I had my first bar gig! WHAT? Yes, it's true. It was a benefit and there were four of us who performed some ambient aerialism and it was fun and I can't wait to do it again.

Highlights (get it? HIGH-lights? Because we were up HIGH?):
1) I got to do single and double trapeze.
2) We did a rope "round robin" of sorts at one point where each of us got up and did one or two fast tricks and then got down and then the next person would go, and the next, etc. It was the most fun we had all night. And the whole night was pretty fun.
3) My teacher, Darty, came to hang out with us and she said really nice things about everyone.
4) Darty's boyfriend complimented the fact that, when I was up on the trapeze, I obviously really listened to the music and it made what I was doing look good. AND he said I should have been wearing a sexier outfit "because I deserve it."
5) I flirted with a boy. Which was fun/funny, but not in an "I'm gonna' rejoin that team," kind of way because...eew. I mean, doing a trick for a guy is WAY different than actually having to have SEX with him! Gross me out!

Anyway, the gig was fun.

Also last weekend, Elsie Smith (of Nimble Arts, Gemini Trapeze, and formerly of Cirque du Soleil, among other things) was here in Seattle to teach some workshops and lessons (I had a private lesson with her, and Koala and I did the doubles trapeze workshop).

Highlights (Bwahahaha!):
1) I got to base Elsie at one point during the doubles workshop.
2) She called me "strong" and "really strong" several times.
3) She had Koala and me demonstrate a lot during the second day of the workshop.
4) We got to chat about camp and the San Francisco school and we bonded because we know a lot of the same people.
5) She liked my solo trapeze routine, for the most part.

So about #5...Elsie and I got to work extensively on my solo during the private lesson I had with her last Saturday. She loved some of the tricks, thought I did all of the tricks well, and she liked my song (Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek"). She did, however, think I needed to slow everything down and make it more fluid, as if I was doing the movements underwater rather than in the air. Cool idea? Yes. Would it change a lot about my routine? Yes, because she encouraged me to let go of the cues I was using in the music so that I could hold everything longer. Which made my song, this song, "Hide and Seek", the song I specifically choreographed THIS routine for, with these particular cues and buttons and dynamics and whatever, it made THIS song unfamiliar to me. Which is rather unsettling, but I take direction really well, so my first instinct was, "What Elsie says goes," and I set about trying to revise my routine in light of her comments.

My second instinct was to change my song. I'm not going to get into what brought me to that conclusion. It just made sense. So 24 hours after my lesson with Elsie, I was all excited to change my song for this routine I've been working on since November (all the while using "Hide and Seek") and which I will be performing in less than a month if not sooner. I couldn't wait until my private lesson to show Darty my new song and to see if she thought it would work.

Okay, so my lesson just happened. I mean, I just got home from my lesson. Today. Just now. Aaaaaaaand...I'm not changing my song after all. Without making me feel stupid, Darty pointed out all of the reasons this was a bad idea, including but not limited to those I have hinted at above (this routine and this song were born and grew up together, the show is in a month, if I want to do something a little different--more flowy/dancy--that's fine, but first finish this routine the way it was originally conceived, etc.). We even decided to pretty much let me keep doing the routine the way I was doing it before Elsie saw it, using a lot of her suggestions, but not the one about messing with where things happen in the music. And it's weird because I'm okay with this. I mean, it's kind of comforting to have someone reach through my heady excitement over the possibility of using this other song that I LOVE (more about that in a second) and say things that I had misgivings about too, but that I couldn't see through the haze.

The song (the new one that I'm now not using) is called "Good Enough" and it's from the latest Evanescence cd, The Open Door. Say whatever you want about Evanescence, but this song is fucking gorgeous. I love it, and I thought it would go with my routine because the story that Elsie seemed to think I was telling with the other song ("Hide and Seek") is actually better served by this one. I explained all of this to Darty today before I got up and ran through it once with "Good Enough", and when I got down she said, "Okay, but what is this story you're trying to tell?" And I suddenly couldn't find the words to explain it well, although I tried to. Then I sort of got teary, then I did the routine to "Hide and Seek" and it felt like home, then Darty kicked my ass with conditioning until my arms felt like they would fall off, and THEN while I was walking home I found the words for the story I was trying to tell.

Basically, it's this: Once upon a time there was a girl who was completely consumed by something to the point where nothing else mattered. In my version of the story, the "something" is circus, but it can be translated to other people and other things too (being consumed by a new relationship, for example). Anyway, the girl is so consumed that everything else just falls away for a while and she doesn't care because all that matters is that she can be here, now, with the trapeze (or her new boyfriend/girlfriend/job/whatever). Gradually, though, she comes to realize that life hasn't stopped around her and that people don't necessarily think she's serious...like, they don't really respect her choice of all-consuming passions for whatever reason. So she tries desperately hard to prove that she's good enough at what she's doing, good enough that it makes sense for her to spend so much time and energy doing it, so people will understand and accept/appreciate/respect her for it rather than humoring her and rolling their eyes. She wants to be good enough that people can see she's not playing around, that this is for real.

So throughout the song the question is asked, "Am I good enough?" and I think that's what I'm asking too.

BUT I don't have to have a song say that while I'm doing a routine for it to be true. And it is, admittedly, a little bit pathetic and desperate to be all, "Please accept me? Please?!"

Anyway, long story shorter: I had a busy weekend last weekend, I had an enlightening and emotional lesson today, and I'm sticking with "Hide and Seek".

My heart is tired.

On a Lighter Note...

Dear Alanis Morissette,

We here at Pocket Circus have been crushing on you pretty much since we heard "You Oughta Know" for the first time in high school and thought it was "so raw." We have been known to belt your tunes loudly on car trips and in dorm rooms. We were a little bit perturbed that you wrote a whole song called "Ironic" that, ironically, did not include even one correct example of irony, and we worried for a while that you took yourself way too seriously. But through it all, we have always found your smile intoxicating and we would totally do you.

With this latest effort, you have singlehandedly restored our faith in humor and humanity. Your brilliance defies words.

Love,
Pocket Circus


And now...Alanis Morissette with "My Humps":

Okay, Here's What Happened

On Monday, April 2nd, I arrived at my French class and some dude was talking about how some people had been shot in one of the Architecture buildings that morning. I was like, "WHAT?" but then class started and no one really knew what was going on.

As I left class, I turned my phone on and there was a message from Pickolas all, "Um...call me back NOW please because I was just watching CNN and two people were shot at YOUR SCHOOL and I'm kind of freaked out." So I called him back and he didn't know much more than I did and I thought it was weird that I was on campus and no one knew anything. So I went home to watch the news.

What happened is this: a 26 year-old researcher named Rebecca Griego was shot by her ex-boyfriend, who then shot himself. This took place at around 10am Monday morning in Gould Hall, which is home to the Urban Planning and Architecture Departments (Architecture also has another building on campus too, but this is the one with all of the workshops and stuff). Rebecca, a graduate of the University of Washington, worked on the fourth floor of Gould Hall doing real estate research. Nobody really knows how the guy got in there or what happened before he fired six shots (killing Rebecca and himself in the process), but there were around 200 other people in the building at the time, some of whom didn't even notice the gunshots because loud noises issue from the workshops there all day long, while others recognized the sounds and ran and hid in classrooms and offices, barricading themselves in until the police came and told them it was safe to evacuate. The building was closed for the rest of the day, but nothing else on campus was closed. Everyone just went about their days as usual, many of us not having any idea that anything happened until much later.

Rebecca's ex-boyfriend was kind of psycho, we've come to find out. He was 41 years old and he was not happy about their separation. He had begun threatening Rebecca and her sister (and their dogs) routinely over the past months and would write notes to them that said things like, "You won't be able to find me, but I know where you are. Keep looking over your shoulder." Rebecca, naturally, filed an order of protection with the Seattle Police Department in late March. Here's the fucked up part (as if the rest of this isn't completely fucked up): the order of protection was never officially filed because they couldn't FIND the ex-boyfriend in order to serve him the paperwork. That's because he gave a FAKE ADDRESS.

Rebecca's coworkers knew about this guy and how he was scary and was stalking her and how he was probably dangerous. So they did what they should have: they posted Rebecca's photo and the ex-boyfriend's photo all over Gould Hall with notes that made it clear that he was dangerous and, if at all possible, he needed to be kept away from her. That was about all they could do, really. And it obviously didn't work.

Now that the investigation is in full swing, police have discovered that the ex-boyfriend had documents like passports and identification cards in multiple different names. Oh, and the gun wasn't registered to him; he stole it.

The response at school has been...weird. I was very disappointed with the first response by the president of our school, Mark Emmert. He was out of the country when he heard about the shooting, and he wrote an email to the entire university community the next morning that said things like, (I'm paraphrasing here), "These kinds of tragedies happen all the time all around us, and in a university as big as ours, it was bound to happen here sooner or later." That sounds terrible, I know, and it wasn't that bad the way he put it, but it was close. He wrote another letter a few days later that was, thankfully, much more compassionate.

As far as the students are concerned, responses were mixed, and a little hesitant. I think everyone was sad (I mean, who wouldn't be?), but some were more outraged than others. The main issue for those of us who were outraged was that safety on our campus is severely lacking if this kind of thing can happen. This happens all the time in the world and we should at least feel safe in our classrooms and offices and among other students, teachers, and coworkers. Something in the system has to catch the bullshit that falls through the cracks and leads to things like this happening. Rebecca did everything she was supposed to do: she ended her relationship with the psycho, she cut off communication with him, he kept communicating so she tried to get an order of protection, she notified friends, family, and coworkers about what was going on and they all kept an eye out for him in order to help. But that wasn't enough and that's fucking awful. And scary as hell.

Wanna' know the craziest coincidence of all? It's SARVA week at the UW. SARVA stands for Sexual Assault and Relationship Violence Awareness. Every year, for a week, the UW has panel discussions, rallies, a Take Back the Night event, and activities that draw attention to the realities of relationship violence. So this year's SARVA efforts got kicked off in a most horrific way, but it did bring the message home, and there were many panel discussions and vigils added and dedicated to Rebecca's memory.

I think what happened is terrible, but more than that, it's unacceptable. I hope Rebecca's family and friends are doing okay and will forgive the world for not protecting their daughter/sister/friend. All we can do now is renew our efforts to protect the people we care about, and try to somehow turn this tragedy into something positive for our community.

Pleeeeehhh...

I haven't been keeping up with blogging the way I'd like to of late. It's weird because I have so much I'd like to write about, but nothing that I really want to write about right now (right now meaning any time I have time to sit down and write). I'll throw something out soon, I promise. Maybe tomorrow I'll write about the murder/suicide that happened AT MY SCHOOL on Monday. I need to finish processing it first.

Reason for living? Knut!

Maybe you've heard of Knut the polar bear cub? He was born in a Berlin zoo where his mother promptly rejected him. The zoo staff is now raising the cub, feeding him by hand, playing with him, etc. This is making some animal rights activists (who argue that making Knut dependent on humans is a horrible, horrible move on the zoo's part) very angry. Their main point is that if this were happening in the wild, Knut would be left for dead and that the people raising the cub are messing with a natural process, so they should shoot the bear and be done with it.

Interesting. My guess is that no one is going to let anyone shoot this bear. That knowledge allows me to step back a little and consider some points:

• I'm all for letting animals do their thing. I'm not a huge fan of any situation in which wild animals are held captive*, but I appreciate zoos that at least try to replicate natural environments and that do not let their human workers ever come into close contact with the animals. There are a lot of extraordinary beings in the world that many of us would never get to see if zoos did not exist. My hope is that zoo patrons gain some respect for other living things when they see these animals, respect they might not otherwise find if not confronted with living, breathing proof that humans aren't the only complex, intelligent, and/or beautiful beings on Earth.



• Anyway, with the above point in mind, once animals are put in the zoo, it's my belief that the people who run the zoo take over the responsibility for the well-being of those animals. Sure, if a polar bear neglects her cub in the wild, the cub might die. But what if another polar bear mom takes it under her wing? What if the polar bear mom in this case would never have behaved this way toward Knut had she not been stressed by something that was maybe going on in the zoo that day or that week? And P.S.: if the zookeepers didn't give these animals food everyday (thus "interfering with nature") then they would all die. Does that mean they should stop feeding the bears?



• Finally (and I'm borrowing from something Chrissymine said about this), translate this to humans for a second. There have been many instances (I'm not making this up) of "feral children" being found all over the world. One thing many of these kids have in common is that their parents completely neglected them. Another common thread is that, in the children's searches for warmth/food/protection, they found ANIMALS who, essentially, ended up raising the kids. It seems that the animals that usually do this are canids (dogs, wolves, etc.), but this shows us that, in nature, things have a way of working themselves out when the circumstances are right. In the case of Knut the polar bear, the circumstances are such that people are around to pick up the slack left by his mother. So, NATURALLY, the humans should do so.

*In fact, I get a sort of thrill when I hear about captive zoo or circus animals who go berserk and attack their handlers. Because seriously y'all, tigers weren't meant to jump through hoops. It's extremely unfortunate, however, that when these animals behave like this--you know, LIKE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO--they are often shot. People are bastards.

Go here to see Knut (get ready for a truckload of cute!):

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2834484

Go here to see Stephen Colbert pretending to hate bears even though Knut is the CUTEST THING EVER:

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/?ml_video=84023

(Sorry for the links. I can't get anything to embed today for some reason).

My Birthday...

...was lovely because I got to spend it with friends.

Toolshed

Sometimes I talk way too much. Words just come rushing out of my mouth like I'm afraid I might suddenly become forever mute and I have to get out these last few thoughts RIGHT NOW REALLY FAST. It probably has something to do with my intense fear of being misunderstood (the same fear that keeps me from calling people I don't know very well on the phone...you should see the meltdowns I have about calling to order pizza if you don't believe me). I feel like, once I have someone's attention and I want them to know something, I'll just go (zoom!) and hopehopehope they don't roll their eyes or start looking around because then that means they aren't listening anymore and/or they're bored. And/or they don't get what I'm trying to say, which is even worse.

Today was a talking-too-much day. First I (Tool of the Month that I am) practically made an APPOINTMENT to talk to Darty about some aerial class related stuff and almost immediately felt like an ass when we were finished and my lesson with Koala started. Because really, did I have to make her come to class 15 minutes early to go over stuff I could have casually brought up during the lesson? Or some other time? Then, on the ride home, I reiterated the entire discussion (and then some) to Koala like I was some sort of erupting Volcano of Minute Details or something. This after a couple of days ago when I went on and on with Britches about many of the same issues.

In the dark and quiet of my apartment, my own voice is echoing in my head and I feel silly. Okay, I'll shut up now.